How to make relationships last

by Patrick Yingling

As society has progressed and changed, it seems as though marriage is no longer considered a permanent institution.  Many people may feel that developing a happy and lasting relationship is no longer possible.  Though the future of marriage seems to be in jeopardy, there is hope. Studies have discovered certain characteristics in successful and lasting marriages. 

Psychologist and author John Gottman has written that three areas are crucial in a lasting relationship.  The first is fairly straightforward: in order to have a lasting relationship, there must be five times as many positive interactions as negative interactions with one’s partner.  If there are too many negative statements in a relationship, it will not last and the partners will not be happy.

The second important area in a lasting relationship relates to conflict management skills.  Many people believe that conflict is unhealthy in a relationship, but in reality arguments can be a healthy part of a relationship as long as they follow four rules:

• Arguments or discussions of conflicts should be limited to 15 minutes. By limiting the time one has to deal with a problem, it keeps partners from straying from the topic of concern.
• During these fifteen minutes, it is necessary to stay calm and avoid becoming overwhelmed by emotion.
• Speak and listen non-defensively.
• Express agreement with the partner’s position when possible. Validating the other person lets them know that you are listening and willing to resolve the issue at hand.

The third area involves certain characteristics that undermine and can even destroy a marriage or relationship.  However, there are methods or “antidotes” to deal with these characteristics.  Gottman named these characteristics “the four horsemen”: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. 

• Criticism in a relationship shows up as personal attacks on one’s partner or blaming them for general problems.  To counteract the appearance of blame, be sure that complaints focus on specific problems instead of general criticisms.
• Contempt is displayed in a relationship as insulting or psychologically abusing one’s partner.  To resolve this, create a setting of acceptance instead of fault-finding.  Name-calling is a conversation-ender no matter what you may be trying to get across.
• Defensiveness, the third horseman, is displayed as denial of responsibility in a relationship by making excuses, ignoring what one’s partner says, or whining.  The antidote to this problem is having partners accept responsibility for even a small part of the problem.  Relationships by nature involve two people in all aspects, even in problems and particularly in solutions. 
• Stonewalling, the final horseman, involves completely shutting one’s partner out.  This can be resolved by self-soothing, taking productive breaks, and staying connected to one’s partner.  Without interaction, nothing can be accomplished.

Based on Gottman’s research, it is important to develop conflict management skills, have more positive than negative interactions, and avoid the “four horsemen” qualities. If you do, you can set your relationship on the path to lasting happiness and can maintain that course for years to come.

Patrick Yingling is Psychology Trainee at Manatee Glens who also works on St. Joseph's Hospital’s Crisis Unit. He is working towards his Doctorate in Psychology from the Florida School of Professional Psychology with a clinical focus on Marriage and Family therapy.