How families deal with a mentally ill parent

By Carmon Bland, MA LMHC

Most people find it hard to talk about mental illness. When a family member has a mental illness, it can easily become the family secret that no one wants to talk about.

Children will often say “my mom needs to be in the hospital so she can get better,” or “when my dad gets sick, it affects what he says and how he acts.”

It is important, however, that children have answers to the questions or they will develop their own ill-informed answers. Children need explanations and support to help them understand a parent’s mental health disorder. The way to address such a discussion depends on the child’s age and ability to understand the information. Sometimes children are ashamed that their parent has a problem. They sometimes feel sad, not only because their parent is ill but also because their fiends don’t understand. They might find the illness hard to talk about and may not want to talk about it. 

Some people look down on a family that has experienced a mental illness. Sometimes kids will make mean jokes or pick on others because of this. The important thing is to help children deal with these comments. They can choose to ignore them and tell an adult right away.

It can be hard for a child to live with a parent who has a mental illness. The parent may do or say things that make the child feel scared, sad, angry or confused. For example, the parent may not seem to know what he is saying or may have rapid changes in mood while looking after the child; this can feel very strange and frightening. Accordingly, a child may need other important people in their lives to talk with and to give them reassurance. At times, a child may have to stay with other family members. This can be a very hard time for the child who will miss and worry about her parent and themselves. If a hospitalization is required, the following may be useful to tell the child:

Some times people with mental illnesses need to go to the hospital. When this happens the people at the hospital will take care of your mom/dad and will make sure they get the help they need. It is okay to ask questions about what is happening to your mom/dad, you have the right to know and have your questions answered. Just remember that they are getting the help they need to return home. When they feel better they will be able to spend more time with you.

Family members should try to have a plan in place so the child knows what will happen if his parent has to go to the hospital. Review the plan with the child and ask the child what he/she thinks. If the parent can’t take care of the child, the adults caring for the child should help the child understand why. They should help the child maintain contact with the parent as he or she gets better if only by phone or letter. 

As the person gets treatment the strange thoughts, feelings, and behavior gradually go away. Sometimes symptoms can come back but they can be treated again. Some people may have only a few symptoms and may still be able to work or carry on with their life. Others will have to be treated often and have significant lack of functioning. Amidst these parent problems, the child’s life should be kept as normal as possible, including attending the same school and maintaining friendships. Children need to feel that they can be happy about playing, having fun and laughing; even if a parent does not share that enthusiasm at the moment. Such permission will mitigate some of the effects of having a parent who has a mental health problem.