Helping your child cope with divorce
In today's world, it comes as no surprise that each year thousands of children will experience the impact of divorce. What is a surprise is that recent research suggests that the parents' divorce is not the most harmful to children; it's actually the conflict between divorcing parents that can cause the most harm.
One study found that parents who engaged in bitter arguments over divorce-related issues had children who were significantly more disturbed (based on standard measures of maladjustment) than children whose parents had amicable divorces. In many divorce relationships, ex-spouses find that it's impossible to stop making insulting comments, raising their voice in anger or reacting with physical aggression. It's important to realize that when these situations occur in front of your child you are forcing your child to become a part of the situation.
Divorce looks different through the eyes of a child. Many times a child may feel guilty, trapped by the mistaken belief that they somehow caused the divorce or could have prevented it by being "better" kids. With that in mind, consider what divorced parents usually argue about: their children. It's no wonder that children of divorce may feel they not only caused the situation, but that they are the only reason their parents continue fighting.
That's a pretty big burden to place on a child's shoulders. Parental conflict sends children negative messages about love, marriage and relationships; it speaks volumes to them about who they are. To a child's ears, any comment about his parent, positive or negative, is a judgment of the child.
According to psychotherapist M. Gary Neuman, author of "Helping Your Kid Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way," there are some rules parents should follow for "fighting fair" during a divorce. The rules include:
• Feelings are valid and deserve respect, whether you agree with them or not.
• Name-calling and verbal abuse are never acceptable.
• It's not fair to bring up past mistakes and issues that have already been dealt with. Focus on the issues at hand.
• Don't make accusations that can't be backed up (particularly avoid saying things like "You always . . ." or "You never . . ."). These only beg further argument.
• Agree on a signal or code word that can be exchanged (perhaps "time-out" or "take five") if one or both of you lose your temper, so you can stop the discussion and resume when you've cooled down.
Divorce is painful for children in ways that parents may not initially realize. While we don't have the power to take back yesterday, we do have the power to change today and tomorrow.
Whether you've just separated or have been divorced for a substantial period of time, it's never too late to reduce or eliminate conflict in the relationship.
As a parenting adult, when problems do arise (and they will), view them as opportunities to model positive qualities and behaviors. This will help your child draw accurate and healthy conclusions about relationships, conflict, and resolution from the actions they have witnessed between the two people they love.